The following was written in response to a reading for Allies on Campus at Utah State University in Logan, UT on January 17, 2006

A sidenote: Allies on Campus is a program created for any student, staff or faculty member at Utah State University who wants to support gays, lesbians, bisexual and transgendered people on campus. This support means going through a training about GLBT individuals and being available to provide support and resources to GLBT and questioning individuals. The Allies on Campus program has grown tremendously, and members are both gay and straight, alike.

In preparation for this meeting, a colleague had told me that 200 people were signed up for Allies on Campus and the turnout was expected to be high - between 30-40 people. I was a little nervous, thinking that I would be talking to a room full of people and was looking forward to the exposure it would give me on campus.

When time came to give my presentation, only one person had shown up. It was my first and only reading in which that was and would be the case. I was disappointed. My colleague and I realized the date may have had something to do with it - it was the day after a holiday and perhaps people were just too busy their first day back to work and/or were still out of town. Also, he admitted the advertisement went out that day, which could have affected the low turnout.

Whatever the reason was, this reading was a good lesson in learning the importance of one. At first, the three of us just chatted. Then I casually asked, "Should I do my thing, then? Or are you all familiar with the spiel?" My one audience member said that she was there just to see me, so I went ahead and went through with the book reading.

All I want to say about this reading is this. Sometimes I get caught up in a numbers game, thinking I need to make some huge difference with a great number of people or even sell a certain number of copies. But sometimes the work is more personal and it's not about numbers. It's grassroots. I was reminded, once again, that that one person was just as important as a whole roomful.

Posted on Tuesday 27 of June, 2006 [00:08:03 UTC]

The following was written in response to a reading at Sappho in Logan, UT on November 12, 2005


My biggest reading yet, the Sappho gathering had about twenty women present. I was excited for the opportunity to speak to people, but since it was an informal gathering and certainly a choice to go downstairs to hear the reading, I found myself surprised to see that, at the time the stage was set and I began to speak, all women had come down to watch. As I looked out onto the sea of women, they were to my left, my right, in front of me, beyond me, on the stairs — all of this in the basement of a cozy homestead.

What struck me about tonight's reading is the issues of community when one is gay or lesbian. Since I had lived the previous ten years of my life in California in areas that were intensely accepting of the gay and lesbian lifestyle, I got to the point where I could just exist and never censor myself. I would walk down the streets of San Francisco wearing hair stubbles on my chin, a butch haircut and a tie. I would drive a Suburban van on raised suspension, wearing a leather jacket, blue jeans, heavy boots and sunglasses, and blaring "Red-Headed Woman" by Bruce Springsteen from the CD player. I never thought, "Is that straight man going to follow me home and rape me after dark?", "Is that female coworker of mine going to accuse me of sexual harrassment for smiling at her?", or "Is that straight, college-aged woman I really like on the bus going to refuse to be my friend because she's afraid I'll make a pass at her?" I lived in a bubble, forgetting what the rest of the USA could be like.

Moving to Utah, then, was quite a culture shock, to say the least, after having been fed manna from the well of societal acceptance (for the most part). For long stretches, I got to feel what a straight person feels — just being me, just living. In Utah, I found myself buying more feminine clothes, though not too over-the-top, because I didn't want to dress too far out of my comfort zone. I started to publicly censor, again, who at the bus stop might be ok with it and who at school would just die. I decided that I would follow Clinton's advice, "Don't ask, don't tell," and only reveal my sexual orientation to those if they point-blank asked — otherwise, it was none of their business.

Imagine my surprise when I published and promoted books, then, having to do with gay and lesbian suicide and homophobia, both societal and internal. Lay out the washboard now, honey. It's time to scrub that internalized homophobia away! After being "out" again, I wondered why I even teetered that toe in and out of the proverbial closet door.

The non-hetero women in this small town are a close knit group, and I was brought back to the reality that, in more oppressed areas of the country, we still need our havens of self-acceptance, our moments in which we can all get together and know that no one in the room is going to 'dis' us for our sexual orientation, a place to just relax and not have to look over our shoulders. Logan's gay groups serve a function. It is a place where we can feel a micron of societal acceptance among ourselves, not censoring a thing about who we are or what we have to say.

I wanted to transport them all to the utopia of California, but they taught me a powerful lesson. I was brought back to the truth, the real truth, that whether society accepts us in our hometowns on a macro or micro level doesn't matter. No matter what course our lives take, we can always be re-challenged with issues of internalized homophobia or how out we feel being. Though we can sometimes be reminded of "there's that thing about me," we can still find acceptance and not let others squash our inner light.

Posted on Thursday 23 of February, 2006 [03:04:31 UTC]

The following was written after a reading for the Pride Alliance group at Utah State University on Monday, November 07, 2005.

A wonderful thing happened today - some of my family members came into town today from Minnesota. They were on a RV trip through the Mountain West and dropped by to see me on their travels. What timing that it would be on a day that I had one of my readings, and my aunt, uncle and cousin were wanting to go. I cried more than normal this night, probably because they were there; their presence brought up more emotion in me as I remembered those days 15 years ago ... like the time I went home for a visit after getting out of the state hospital As I stood washing the dishes at my aunt and uncle's house, my aunt came up to me and said, "So I heard you are having some problems right now. Is everything ok?" She had heard about my suicide attempts, but I passed it off. I wasn't ready to tell her that my attraction to other women, my own internalized homophobia, was doing me in.

After the reading, I went to sit down next to them. My uncle commented, "You know, I am inclined to think being gay is not a choice." I wanted to cry, but I held back the tears. I hadn't even known what my uncle thought of all this; I usually talked to my aunt. They have always accepted me and loved me, though I could tell when I told them that they were either shocked or wanted something different for my life, or both. Anyway, we had a short conversation about it. I said, "Yeah, if you think about it, there's so much one has to deal with by being different in society, so much bigotry. Why would anyone choose that unless he/she was a masochist? It can be a difficult path." I know that this is not the only viewpoint out there, but I made this comment based on my own experiences, too, because there have been times when honoring my sexual orientation has been really, really tough.

This brought to the forefront of my mind, then, the unending nature vs. nurture debate. The first thing that comes to my mind is, why is this even a debate? We have to look at the fact that two sides are trying to prove their respective sides to prove a point. The gay advocates want to argue that homosexuality is caused by nature to prove that we are the way we are and it can't be changed. Those who oppose gays want to argue that homosexuality is caused by one's environment to prove that we are the way we are because of things that have happened to us, or the way that we were raised. My first question is, why? Why the need to prove something in the first place? What an ideal world if we could get to the place in which there was absolutely nothing to prove.

Giving both sides the benefit of a doubt, that on some level there is a need to prove something, I am inclined to believe that anything is possible, and it's impossible to say a blanket statement, yay or nay, about either stance. I don't think all GLBT people were necessarily born that way, nor do I think that all GLBT people became that way because of their environments. I also think it's possible that GLBT's may have been influenced by one of the factors or even a combination of both factors. Maaybe someone someday will be able to do a study that will prove most GLBT's are that way because of a certain factor. Until then, it's open to debate and speculation.

I can tell you, though, that in talking to other GLBT people, not one has been convinced that they are the way they are because of environmental factors. Some have wished that it is, but that is mostly because of their own homophobia when they came out, usually. They don't want to deal with it. That was the case with me. I certainly didn't want to be "this way," so I looked to my counselor for a cure, only to find, through therapy, that the best and only cure was self-acceptance. So that leaves the non-GLBT people to argue that we are the way we are because of our environment. Ironic that those who want to prove homosexuality is caused by nurture are usually heterosexual, at least, that has been my experience.

In my case, I know for a fact I am mostly lesbian (I actually don't claim that I am 100% lesbian, perhaps 75-80% if I can put a number to it. I find that I am really attracted to femininity in each sex - but that ironically makes me attracted to men who are usually gay, anyway). I know this because of all the therapy I have been through, about 10 years of it, maybe 12, and the more I healed different parts of my life, the more I could not deny the existence of my same sex attraction, the more I realized it was unchangeable. In my thinking, if my attraction to the same sex was caused by environmental factors, the more I healed then the more I would find myself attracted to the same sex. But the effects of my therapy, based on self-actualization, yielded the opposite results.

There are those that are questioning who experiment and find their place along the continuum. Some may experience more attraction to men when they are 25-27 then more attraction to women when they are in their early 30s. Some may experiement and find they really prefer the opposite sex after all. And some may find that their attraction to the same sex remains strong. Such has been the case in my experience, and has been for countless others who have shared their thoughts with me.

I think the bottom line I am trying to illustrate here is, I want to ask the question, why are we asking the question of nature or nurture in the first place? Yes, the intentions can be obvious as each side digs their heals in to prove their points. But let's dig deeper. I think perhaps we don't even need to ask. Perhaps it's ok that we exist and be, irregardless of the reasons. I mean, if we are going to ask the question and have the debate, then it's only fair that we ask the other questions. If some are going to use the nurture argument to prove that GLBT people can be changed, for instance, than maybe some heterosexuals would then need to look at what was so awful in their childhoods that made them that way. Abuse happens in all types of homes, period. This is a concern, yes. But let's open our eyes more. Perhaps morality, ethics and integrity can exist in all homes, irregardless of the sexual orientation of each person. And perhaps the question we need to ask is, what are our definitions, as a society, of morality and integrity? Honesty, being true to oneself, often gets lost in the nurture equation.

Posted on Thursday 23 of February, 2006 [00:28:40 UTC]

The following entry was written on Sunday, October 30, 2005.

I feel compelled to expound on a comment I made on a recent post regarding Boyd K. Packer's pamphlet, "For Young Men Only." After some considerable thought, I do believe there has been a slight change for the better in how the Mormon church preaches about homosexuality compared to how they did in the 1970s. I don't know if Packer's pamphlet is still being passed out today, and I actually highly doubt it. Nowadays, the prevalent attitude is one of patronizing pity masked as hospitality — something like, "We need to help these people." Even though this attitude has it's downfalls, it is a step up from blatant, overt encouragement to physically defend yourself from your Mormon missionary roommate if he makes a pass at you. An example of this pitiful pity attitude is when the current prophet, Gordon B. Hinkley, stated on Larry King Live (December 2004),

We know they have a problem homosexuals. We want to help them solve that problem ... sic ... The fact is, they have a problem.

The issue being, of course, that the Mormon church still thinks that there is something wrong with homosexuals, abberant or in need of spiritual remedy. The idea, also, that "It's ok to be gay but remain celibate" confirms this attitude. While the admonition to remain celibate to be worthy of God's kingdom may seem like a good compromise between their interpretation of the gospel, what is moral, what is integretous and changing social attitudes, it still perpetuates deep toxic shame. By going along with this ideology, one is agreeing that there is something wrong or immoral about one's sexual orientation. Ironically, it seems immoral and wrong to some of us to deny our inherent, God-given needs.

What many Mormon church leaders seem to forget is that in the mid-1800s, Mormonism was considered quite liberal. Utah was the first state to allow women to vote and it was the Mormons, predominantly, who pushed this. At one time, women held the priesthood in the church (which now can only be held by men). And though way frowned upon now, back then, before the church outlawed it due to legal and governmental constraints, polygamy was encouraged and allowed. Some might see this as a negative for women's rights, but in a way it was progressive because it was a different familial setup outside the bounds of traditional marriage between one man and one wife.

It's ironic, then, that today, one of the leading supporter against equal rights for homosexuals is the Mormon church when only 150 years ago they were at the forefront of womens' rights. While the religion started out liberal for its time in the mid-1800s, it has become one of the most conservative and dogmatic religions that exists today! The Mormon church does much damage to many liberal movements out there. They don't even separate church and state as the church funds certain legal fights, such as against gay marriage.

And after talking with my cousin, who is an active member of the church, I have to remember the old saying "to each his own." When I talked about how I "found myself" after leaving the church, she mentioned that she ironically "found herself" while being a part of it. I think it's common that we all relate to and judge the world according to our experience. We form attitudes based on experiences that have a great impact on is. Many of us in minority oppressed groups are so focused on receiving from the majority our equal rights — As we should; it is a necessary fight — but it's equally important to remember to extend that same right for others to choose what is best for them to our majority counterparts.

True love, as Christ meant it, was to love one another. Loving one another doesn't mean being the same. Part of loving one another means respecting each other's differences. True peace in the world comes from respecting these differences as well as focusing on egalatarian solutions. Even if the most liberal conservatives agree to this ideology, the crux of the gay/lesbian movement hinges on whether or not it is immoral for us to express a sexual desire that we feel is natural and otheres argue is a choice. You know, in a way, they are right. We do choose. We choose whether or not to be true to ourselves, to live a life that is satisfying and fulfilling to us, or not. I think a loving God would be supportive of a choice to be true to the self, and I do believe God would be more disappointed in living the lie that the Mormon church encourages its gay and lesbian members to live. For the record, I have never had to muster up as much integrity as I have had to, in this life, to be true to myself. I have never been more moral than when I have been concerned about how I am to people, not what I am. Both heterosexuals and homosexuals can exercise loose morals in their sexual lives and expression, just as both can express more conservative ones.

Most recently, I stumbled on a perception posted on www.mormoncurtain.com by someone named "Knownot." He appears to be hetersexual by his post, and he poses an interesting question in this argument between nature vs. nurture.

If your position is that everyone simply 'chooses' to be gay or straight, you are saying that you yourself are a potential homosexual. Somewhere out there, another homosexual is charming and good looking enough that they could REVERSE your sexual attraction? All it would take is some erotic homosexual stimulation, and you would suddenly find yourself becoming homosexually aroused?

That's very interesting. I myself know for a fact that there is NO guy out there who could 'flip my switch' - no matter how handsome he was ... It just doesn't work that way, because I just wasn't 'made' that way. You, on the other hand, you had better watch yourself and pay close attention to where your eyes are wandering. Somewhere out there, a REALLY handsome and charming guy is just waiting to take your heterosexual identity and convince you to throw it in the trash! You'd better be careful! Stay strong, or you might just make the 'wrong' choice and 'become' gay.

I commend the Mormon church for making some changes in how they approach and deal with homosexuality. The changes are big steps in moving away from encouraging it's members to physically defend oneself if someone makes a pass at you to an attitude of helping out your gay and lesbian friends, family members and neighbors with their "problem." But this attitude of helping homosexuals because something needs fixing continues to feed the idea that we are aberrant. Again, it's ironic that the Mormon church focuses on us homosexuals finding ourselves, our identites, and dealing with where we have strayed when they themselves have lost the meaning of what it means to be a pioneer.

Posted on Thursday 23 of February, 2006 [00:27:26 UTC]

The following was written shortly after a reading at the Salt Lake City GLBT Community Center in SLC, UT on Friday, October 21, 2005.

People were outgoing, curious, intelligent and warm tonight. Many had things to say on various subjects and comments about their own experience as related to my own story. A dominant discussion that took place in our group was the difference between a cult and a religion.

Let me begin this discussion in my early Mormon upbringing. When growing up, there were sometimes protestors at temples shouting that we were a cult. My non-Mormon mother (that I didn't live with) said Mormonism was a cult. A religious studies major told me that, per the sociological definition of religion, cults are against mainstream and form in smaller groups. Ironically, by this definition, Mormonism would have been a cult in the mid-1800s when it started out, then, but not now because it is a major religion in the world today.

But, growing up in the Mormon church proved to be great in some ways and unhealthy in others. There were things I got out of being raised in that religion that have served me, many good things. But it was also a head-trip to leave. There is alot of mind-control in the ideologies, alot of sexist roles expected, what is expected of us in this life to get to the afterlife, what our callings in this life are, living the gospel, etc. But then, I think about what many other main religions teach, and most of them have a bit of this also — just change the details, and it's pretty much the same.

Some cults/religions start out, ironically, trying to meet needs that aren't being met in other religions. After all, this is what Joseph Smith did: he went around investigating all the churches, didn't find what he wanted, then started his own. Isn't that how the Unitarian church started, also? (which, to me, is a very progressive church nowadays). Just someone starting a religion who wanted a church that was more unifying than many dogmatic religions out there? (Something that is not meeting one's need of modern-day religion). It would be interesting to see now what the Unitarian church will be like in 100 more years. Maybe even the all-encompassing and open attitudes there could end up dogmatic long-term.

One man pointed out that in some languages there is only one word that means both cult and religion, such as in the French language. In our culture, the word "cult" has evolved into referring to something that is judged as "bad," usually having some controlling factors over mind, body, soul or finances while religion is a group formed for worship within the context of relgion as we know it, irregardless of how healthy or unhealthy it is or can be in its teachings.

What I took away from the discussion was that either a religion or a cult can be "evil" or "good," and all have both elements to it. When a religion or cult goes really bad, though, is when it gets dogmatic and starts to play mind games with you or control you emotionally or financially or in other ways. And Mormonism, a modern day religion, was difficult to leave because there was so much emotional and mental stuff to go through to completely be free of the ideology.

All I can say is, in regards to cults vs. religions, John Lennon's words ring in my ears now. With so much war and oppression in the world often caused by religious groups or attitudes, "Imagine there's no country it isnt' hard to do, nothing to kill or die for, and no religion, too..." isn't such bad advice.

Posted on Thursday 23 of February, 2006 [00:26:23 UTC]

The following entry was written shortly after a reading at the Faith and Fellowship Center in Logan, UT on Friday, October 07, 2005.

I lost a lesbian friend to suicide this year, a woman from my hometown. We were not very close friends, but she was a friend nonetheless. Her personality could be likened unto a butterfly flitting from one end of town to the other, coloring other people's lives with her spunk and enthusiasm. This particular friend shocked most of us with her decision, but her experience with chronic pain pushed her over the edge.

I believe I mentioned the latest statistics on gay and lesbian suicide in my previous post, so I will not indulge you twice. But after quoting these statistics during this reading, someone asked me if there were any statistics on the reasons why GLBTI individuals kill themselves. This I have no knowledge of. If one were to think about it, logically the only way this could be tracked would be in cases in which a person actually stated his/her reason(s) in a suicide note or other means. There might be others whose surviving friends and family may draw conclusions based on recent events in that person's life which lead up to the suicide. For the latter, this would be considered speculation and unreliable data. For the former, we would only be looking at a percentage of the population. Then we have the unspoken of and seemingly nameless faces, those whose families have disowned them or who have fallen between the cracks. Combine all this together, and exact statistics are virtually impossible. But we can hypothesize.

I'm imagining that reasons people in the community attempt or commit suicide can parallel with reasons in the heterosexual world, things like a break up, divorce, mental illness, chronic pain or childhood traumas. But since the ratio of homosexuals who commit suicide is so much higher than their hetersexual counterparts, one can infer that other reasons exist, and might include, unacceptance and intolerance from one's society, family and church, or the result of such intolerance — internalized homophobia due to a lifetime of conditioning that we are abberant, defective and immoral beings.

Hence, why our stories need to be told. The issue that most struck me tonight as I was speaking was how there are people out there, now as we speak, who struggle so deeply with the conflicts between their religion and sexual orientation that they would rather take their lives. The LDS church still preaches homophobic attitudes to its congregation. An example is the infamous "To Young Men Only" written by Boyd K. Packer which states, in the following excerpt:

I repeat, very plainly, physical mischief with another man is forbidden. It is forbidden by the Lord. There are some men who entice young men to join them in these immoral acts. If you are ever approached to participate in anything like that, it is time to vigorously resist. While I was in a mission on one occasion, a missionary said he had something to confess. I was very worried because he just could not get himself to tell me what he had done. After patient encouragement he finally blurted out, “I hit my companion.” “Oh, is that all,” I said in great relief. “But I floored him,” he said. After learning a little more, my response was “Well, thanks. Somebody had to do it, and it wouldn’t be well for a General Authority to solve the problem that way." I am not recommending that course to you, but I am not omitting it. You must protect yourself.

Ironically, I do not remember a pamphlet entitled "For Young Women Only" on the same subject encouraging us to cat fight, fingernails and all. The point being, the church still preaches homophobia which encourages homophobia in the home and in society. So the problem continues to perpetuate, and as long as it continues, there will be people out there who will have so much self-hatred that they would rather die than accept their same sex attraction.

Here is an interesting insight. I just now went to www.lds.org to find any recent information on the subject on their Web site. I clicked on the link Basic Beliefs and, after finding the search box, typed "gay". This is the message that appeared:

The requested object does not exist on this server. The link you followed is either outdated, inaccurate, or the server has been instructed not to let you have it.
Unreal. We have gone from immoral decrepids to non-existents whose issues are outdated! Well, this does prove my point, doesn't it? We are not invisible and do not need to be. We are sons and daughters of God. What matters is how we are toward others, not who we are or what we are. We must refute homophobia in our society, homes and churches. Such expressions are not of God. We must "teach our children well," as Crosby, Stills & Nash crooned. And we must help each other heal, all of us, by encouraging self-love among us, whether gay, lesbian, transgendered, bisexual or intersexed.

Posted on Thursday 23 of February, 2006 [00:25:03 UTC]

The below entry was written shortly after a reading at Hastings in Logan, Utah, on September 17, 2005.

Hello,

It is the morning after my first reading in Logan. I'd like to report that it went very, very well! I was honestly very nervous, but the turnout was good. There must have been about a dozen people there. The discussion went on for about 45 minutes.

We talked about the statistics on suicide, particularly those among the gay and lesbian population. Suicide is the 11th leading cause of death in the United States, the 3rd leading cause among youth. Gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered youth are 3x's more likely to commit suicide compared to a heterosexual youth, and suicide is the leading cause of death among GLBT youth (ages 12-24, the majority group being high school age). Approximately 40% of all gays and lesbians surveyed have stated that they have contemplated suicide in their lifetimes.

Spirited Yearling Wounded, the book I did the reading on, is based on my personal story of when I came to the realization of my sexual orientation, or "came out," as they say. For approximately four years between the age of 19-22, I attempted suicide on more than one occassion. Much of my suicidal ideation was based on my realization of my attraction to other women, though not the sole cause. For me, there were other issues I was dealing with as well, having come from the home of an emotionally abusive mother and absent father, and having been a victim of child sexual molestation as well.

I explained to the audience that I was there to tell my story for two reasons. One, it is my hope that by telling my story it might help even just one person who is thinking of leaving the planet to think twice and not follow through on it. It is my firm belief that God loves all of us and is concerned more with how we treat one another more than anything else. God is love. Second, I also hope that my story might help heal families or bring them together. I know it can be especially difficult for mothers, fathers, friends, brothers, sisters, etc., especially those who grew up with fundamentally religious backgrounds. We have an idea of how things ought to be, about what is moral, "right," good, etc. Most of us have been taught that homosexuality is a sin, an aberration, a descent into other behaviors like pedophila and the like. Many of these beliefs are myths. 98% of all sexual abuse acts committed on children are by men who were in a relationship with another woman (Jenny 1994). The APA removed homosexuality as a mental disorder in 1973 and encouraged all therapists to remove the stigma associated with it in 1975. While there are populations in the gay and lesbian community in which people practice footloose and fancy free indiscriminate sex (just as there are in the heterosexual population, by the way), what some people don't realize is that there is another segment out there of homosexuals who have families, children, and join in their love in the highest integrity of being true to themselves, joining their love in a sacred bond.

That said, I talked about how confusing it was to process Mormon doctrine and my newly realized attraction toward other women. Particularly, we are taught as Mormons that the only way to gain entrance into God's highest kingdom, the Celestial Kingdom, is to get married in the temple to the opposite sex. To get married in the temple, one must follow strictly the guidelines set forth by the church which may include living the Word of Wisdom (abstaining from caffeine, alcohol, etc.), no masturbating, no fornication, no committing adultery, living the 10 commandments, and receiving certain endowments beforehand. As a young adult, I lived Mormon doctrine to the letter. I did baptisms for the dead at my Mormon college, did my visiting teaching, went to church every Sunday, studied the scriptures ferociously. My entire identity was wrapped around the church. If I was attracted to the same sex, that meant that I had no chance to go to the Celestial Kingdom because I didn't feel, in my highest integrity that I could marry a man if I didn't truly love him or feel that I could meet him in that sacred way as a man and wife do on a sexual level.

In my particular case, I wanted to be "cured." I looked to my Mormon counsellor to make this go away. I wanted to go on a mission, get married in the temple, and get married to a man. She told me that it was ok to have the feelings toward other women, but not ok to act on them. I remember feeling like this would all go away, I'm not sure if she actually told me that or if it was just implied, but I really believed one day I would be cured of it. I remember her or someone else saying, in my therapy, that the reason I felt these feelings was because I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother and absent father. The theory was that I sought to heal the wounds of my mother while I feared men leaving me, or something to that effect. There was also this lurking thing about how I was this way because I was sexually molested. How I had these beliefs didn't matter, someone somewhere along the way gave these to me, so I believed that this was the problem. I believed that once I got through therapy, healed the emotional abuse, the absence of my father and the scars from the sexual abuse, that I would feel feelings toward men the more I healed. I WANTED her to cure me!

What I didn't realize at the time was that these beliefs and feelings fed the darkness, led me into darkness, fueling my already deep-seated toxic shame. Just so people understand "shame" ... there are two kinds of shame, according to John Bradshaw. One kind is a healthy shame, the feeling we feel when we yell at someone, for instance, know that wasn't us at our best, and we feel a feeling that alerts us we crossed a boundary. Particularly, we realize that how we treated that person was not right. A healthy shame would be this feeling as a sort of tug, an alert, an ooops, an apology, an urge to change for the better. Toxic shame, on the other hand, spirals. It's unhealthy, deeper. One with toxic shame would, in the same situation, indulge in self-deprecating behaviors such as beating oneself mentally over the head, self-emotional abuse, and in the worst case, even self-mutilation. In a dysfunctional family, parents teach their children unhealthy toxic shame through mental, psychological, emotional, sexual, ritual, spiritual or sexual abuse.

Anyway, unfortunately, it wasn't until I got help outside the church that things started to change. The first time someone told me I was ok was a big help. A mentor I admired told me she was in a relationship with another woman. The first time I met my first "real live lesbian," how I refer to her in the book, was a special experience. The impression of this person still burns in my memory, how she stood so proud of who she was that I could see God in her. She mirrored to me the kind of pride I wanted to have one day inside myself. I also met an older couple in the church who had raised all their children in the church. One of their sons was gay and had recently died of AIDS. The father said, "I believe the savior cares more about how we love one another, not who we are or what we are." This has always stuck with me. This is how I have strived to live my life ever since, this is my new definition of integrity, my new understanding of Christ's message in the first place. It also helped when I started to see a secular counselor who was more concerned with what Maslow calls one's self actualization. The unfortunate aspect of places like Evergreen or counselling through the Mormon religion, through LDS Social Services or whatever, is that sometimes the counselor thinks the way to help a gay person is to "cure" him or her. But it is my belief, especially since I went through it, that this type of approach doesn't help the client. When a person's healing is focused on one end result, such as making someone not gay, healing cannot occur. Self-actualization must be the goal. I know this from my own experience. When I started to see a counselor in which I felt she was more concerned with leading me to my highest potential, what brought me the most light, that is when I started to heal. This is when light came into my life, not darkness. This is not to say, of course, that one won't realize that his/her sexual orientation is heterosexual after all, or bisexual, or whatever. My point is that when someone is being led to one's highest potential, that person is going to figure out their true sexual orientation. He/she will come to know that either their feelings toward the same sex was a "phase," as they call it, or that he/she is attracted to both sexes, or that he/she is truly only attracted to the same sex.

And in the end, the peace inside myself came when I got my own personal conviction from God that I was ok. I received my own manifestation that I was worthy of God's love as a woman loving woman. Part of the pain of my coming out process was the belief that God didn't love me, that I wasn't worthy of his kingdom, unless I was hetersexual. When I realized that I was worthy, truly felt God's love and presence in my life, that's when I felt peace inside myself. And, after attending cognitive therapy for a few years, after healing the wounds from my childhood, I didn't feel more heterosexual. In fact, I only felt less confusion about my sexual identity and could see the truth more — that I am, indeed, more prone to be sexually attracted to the same sex.

Let me illustrate the "gay dilemma" in the Mormon church and other fundamental religions through a parable. Let's say the Mormon church said that it wasn't ok to allow any woman into Relief Society that didn't have two legs. If she had one leg or 1/2 legs or no legs, she couldn't be a part of the church. Now, most of us would think this absurd. The one-legged woman would have two choices then. She could either go out and buy a prosthetic and hide the fact that she only has one leg, convincing everyone around her that she is a two-legged woman. She might be able to get away with it for awhile. But she would know the truth, deep down, and over time, it would not bring her happiness to be lying to herself and those around her for a great length of time. It would have the potential to encourage unhealthy repression of herself. The other choice would be to say, you know, I am a one-legged woman, and this is me. There is something wrong with this guideline. I just don't believe that God would only allow two-legged women into Relief Society, or in the Mormon church.

As gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered individuals, we have two choices. Either we can try to pass and follow the rules. This might be ok for some, but eventually it might bring us misery and not encourage our light. Or, we can honor ourselves and stand up for what Christ's message was — to love one another. I've heard it said that it's interesting that people in fundamental religions attack homosexuality, or the practice of two people from the same sex loving each other, instead of more pressing things in the world, like war and abuse.

After the reading, we had a great discussion in our small group. Many people could relate to this story. They encouraged me, supported me. They said it was needed in the Mormon community. People still have suicidal feelings, families still disown, ostracize, shut out their kids if they tell them they are gay. There are still myths about homosexuality that are being taught.

For those who don't understand, who really want to help, there are things you can do. Tell your gay or lesbian brother, sister, daughter, son, etc., that you love him/her no matter what. Educate yourself about homosexuality. Educate your church leaders that the best way to help gay people is to accept them, not try to change them. Telling a gay person that he/she can't enter God's kingdom unless he/she remains celibate encourages unhealthy sexual repression. And last of all, entertain the ideas that union between two members of the same sex can be sacred and children need love in the home, irregardless of the sex of their parents.

If you would like to go to one of Loren Jenner's book readings, her next reading will be at the Faith and Fellowship Center in Logan on October 7, 2005, 7 p.m.

Posted on Thursday 23 of February, 2006 [00:22:59 UTC]

Hello, this is Loren Jenner, and welcome! This blog will be used to post future book readings and discuss ongoing concerns in the GLBTI community. My book readings in the near future will focus on issues regarding suicide contemplation and prevention, particularly those who struggle with reconciling their sexuality and spirituality. For now, let me post my initial feelings and thoughts about the matter. As time goes on and I attend book readings, I'll continue to share my sentiments and observations regarding the issue.

As said in Spirited Yearling Wounded:

"For the Latter-Day Saint, Christian, religious or spiritual person, moral laws regarding one’s sexuality is complex. Homosexuality in our contemporary society forces us to face the issues of domestic partnership, family values, marriage and civil rights. Fundamental moral teaching deems homosexuality an immoral practice, and those who outwardly live a gay lifestyle are breaking scriptural or moral laws.

"Traditionally, gays and lesbians have been placed in the same category as child molesters, adulterers and even rapists. The devout, religious person who believes such traditional views typically supports acts to politically and/or morally stop the active homosexual from equal societal participation and moral acceptance in order to save the world from a Sodom and Gomorrah-like state. On the other hand, some believe that the judgment that all gay families do not have integrity, marriage between the same sex doesn’t carry moral weight and gays should not be granted civil rights leads to perpetual ignorance and increased hate — traits of Sodom and Gomorrah-type societies.

"The question of how we, as a society, must bridge the gap in these ways of thought is not an easy task. While I believe it important for people to critically rethink their traditional and fundamental paradigms about family values, morality and integrity, this book is ultimately written for the wounded soul unable to reconcile his/her sexuality and spirituality — those who have attempted suicide, are thinking of suicide, or survivors of the successful. I do not profess to know all the answers, to proclaim that this story is everyone’s story or that this character’s resurrection is true for all. My foremost concern is for the salvation, happiness and contentment of souls in turmoil.

"That said, I believe the question of whether to live or die never has an easy answer. I do not pretend to know it, but I can tell you that as a survivor of attempted suicide that my decision to live has been worth the struggle. Dedication to my own healing, honesty, willingness, surrender, clear intent and constant contact with a spiritual source has eventually brought me peace of mind, heart, body and soul. It is my sincere hope that Spirited Yearling Wounded will bring hope and comfort to others and inspire society to rethink its definitions of morality and integrity."

PLEASE NOTE: Content in this particular entry has been copyrighted in 2005 by Loren Jenner, all rights reserved. That means duplication or sale of these words is not allowed unless the author or publisher, Angel Warrior Publishing, gives permission.

Posted on Monday 11 of July, 2005 [22:18:12 UTC]