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“Well, how do you handle an appraisal?” asked Johnson.
Tim paused before replying.
“Turn up well-groomed and smart, and on the dot, don’t complain about them wasting time which you can ill afford to lose because of the impossible workload they’re responsible for having given you, nod your head, make a show of listening and paying attention, smile, make a few notes - doesn’t matter what - agree with most things, disagree with a few - again, doesn’t really matter which, take some water or coffee, whatever, so you’ve got something to do when it gets too dreary, don’t doodle, tell them you’re keen for this, that or the other to happen, but don’t dig any graves for yourself, don’t say that you want his job, or, correction, if you know he’s in the crap anyway, just for the crack, say that you see yourself doing his job anytime soon, say yes to any training that takes place in a city and indoors with lunch and drinks included, make sure you get in an immediate point blank refusal to anything which takes place outdoors and in the countryside involving canoeing or climbing anything or running around in the pissing rain having to find your own dinner which some bastard’s hidden under a fucking hedge and then cooking it yourself, or backing off mountains suspended from a bit of string tied to a masonry nail or anything like being elected captain of a team of arseholes, who have to get across a river for no sensible reason whatsoever other than that some twat of an instructor is waiting on the other side, with the aid of only a plank, two bicycle wheels, a bucket of sand and a paper chain.”
Tim drew breath and beer. Johnson’s air matched that of a child who’d just been mugged for his dinner money.
“So, when he asks me what I think about him?”
“Tell him he’s doing a great job.”
“Just that?”
“Wake up, Johnson. Haven’t you been listening to me? What else are going to tell him?”
“Then it’s pointless. It really is just a pointless exercise,” Johnson sighed.
“You have been listening, haven’t you? Good. Let‘s go and get something to eat.”
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None of your Business
Johnson soon found out that the corporate world involved too many things that didn't have anything to do with work at all. Things like company 'fun days', outward bound team-building events, psychometric testing, diversity audits, motivational tools and other associated bulls**t. None of your Business is a comic novel which features a rich succession of incompetents, bullies, oddballs and idiots who lead to Johnson becoming increasingly unhinged and reckless. As disillusion takes a grip, Johnson's thoughts turn to revenge.
Although Philip Bryer has experienced some success as a freelance contributor to magazines, this is his first novel.
Print: $18.15
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