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  • By Jon Vincent
    Oct 15, 2009
    "You Have The Idea Right..." You have a good idea here, and a good command of the story and the tone, however your narration needs some work. There are a pretty decent amount of grammatical errors and timeline confusion involving the wrong usage of words. There is a part where you mention he came from a middle class clan. And than the next sentence starts off with "Their clan has been...", it should be "Their clan had been..." that sentence starts off reading terribly and is distracting and totally takes you out of the story, which is something you don't want to do. There is another instance where you are talking about the character graduating from highschool, and the whole episode reads in the past tense and out of nowhere you have a sentence that reads "He's not really concerned with the challenges he's about to face back then" you shoot from past to present and than back to past all in a matter of two sentences. It's very confusing and really... More > distracts from the whole idea you're trying to convey. The story itself needs minor tweeking, but it's really hard to tell exactly what pieces need it due to the narration and grammatical missteps. Good luck with this, i hope it turns out well for you, and i hope my critque can guide you towards becoming a more experienced and attentive writer. Jon Vincent Currently Working On My First Full Length Novel Unofficial Title "Nuclear Power"< Less
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Product Details

Lulu Enterprises, Inc.
February 9, 2005
Perfect-bound Paperback
Interior Ink
Black & white
1.21 lbs.
Dimensions (inches)
6 wide x 9 tall
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