John Ford’s The Lady’s Trial: A Retelling

Piero and Futelli, both of whom worked for a young lord named Lord Adurni, entered a room in Auria’s house from different doors and met. Piero said, “Accomplished man of fashion!” Futelli said, “The times’ wonder! Gallant of gallants, Genoa’s Piero!” They were members of a mutual admiration society. Piero said, “Italy’s darling, Europe’s joy, and so forth! What is the newest news? The newest and unvarnished news?” “I am no foot-messenger,” Futelli replied. “I am no peddler of official dispatches, no monopolist of newsletters of dubious credibility, no monger of gazettes.” Piero said, “You are a monger of courtesans, my fine Futelli. In a certain way you are a merchant of the staple for wares of use and trade — a taker-up. Rather indeed a knocker-down; the word will carry either sense.” Piero was calling Futelli a whoremonger. He was a taker-up of skirts, and he used whores to knock down his erections. Piero continued, “But, in pure earnest, how trolls the common noise? How wag the tongues of the people around us?” Futelli replied, “Auria, who was lately wedded and bedded to the fair Spinella, tired with the enjoyments of delights, is hastening to cuff the Turkish pirates in the service of the Great Duke of Florence.” At this time, some citizens of Italian cities and some citizens of Turkey were fighting. Piero asked, “Won’t he carry his pretty thing along with him when he goes to the wars?” His pretty thing was his new wife: Spinella.