So You Want to Be a CEO in Africa? Congratulations. You're Already Dead. A Survival Guide in 47 Impossible Steps (Plus the 48th You'll Invent at 2 AM) What they don't teach you in business school: How to clear a container that has been stuck at the port for 147 days. How to negotiate with a regulator who changes the law between breakfast and lunch. How to explain to your board that your warehouse is cursed and you've had to hire a traditional healer. How to survive a bodaboda funeral procession that blocks your only gate for six hours because the deceased "always loved this road." How to perform at least one miracle a day. Every day. For thirteen years. What this book will teach you: Why Michael Porter's Five Forces are a joke in a country with 500 competitive forces (all of whom want lunch money). Why your employees are sheep in wolf costumes from a closed-down carnival. Why the chicken bones on your doorstep are not a prank—they're a legitimate line item. Why the founder's final words—"you will need to perform one miracle a day to survive"—were not a metaphor. And why, after thirteen years and 4,745 miracles, you still wouldn't trade it for anything. Praise for this book (mostly from the author's mother and his very patient spouse): "Hilarious. Painful. Terrifyingly accurate. I laughed. I cried. I called my traditional healer." — The Founder (Arusha, beekeeper, retired, happier than you) "I read this book and immediately gave my CEO a raise. Then a hug. Then a very large drink." — A Spouse Who Has Seen Things "Finally, someone has documented the glorious insanity of running a business in Africa. I feel seen. I feel validated. I also feel the need for a Sad Sandwich." — A Fellow CEO (currently at the border, negotiating with a man named Juma) "Page 47 changed my life. Page 112 made me weep. Page 203 convinced me to hire a traditional healer. Page 287 confirmed that I am not crazy—the world is." — Anonymous Reviewer (probably a sheep, but a well-meaning one) Warning: This book contains scenes of bureaucracy, corruption, incompetence, and bodaboda-related trauma. Reader discretion is advised. Pregnant women, people with heart conditions, and anyone who believes that the government exists to serve the people should consult a physician before proceeding. Also contains traces of chicken bones, dark humor, and the uncomfortable realization that you are not prepared. No one is prepared. That's the point.