¶ This pdf is or should be the same as the one used to make the paperback version of this book; it's not formatted for any particular screen. In other words, it's for printing out or reading on a laptop/desktop. *_The print's too small to be practical for an e-reader or phone._* ¶ Like all or nearly all my books, this contains so-called explicit content: I always tick the box for warning people of that, but sometimes it doesn't take, so I'm also telling you here. ¶ If this isn't free (as in beer, but as in speech too), something went wrong. Should be free. I get no money from anything on here. ¶ The actual date of first being printed is Aug. 31, 2023. This version, with corrections and new material, was made available Jan. 29, 2026. ¶ contains: Actual Letters Actual Mnemonics Used To Help My Mother Memorize Airline Codes When She Had To Stop Being a Healthcare Worker and Become a Travel Agent {an essay about how efficiency is bad, whose title contains a naughty word} Aspirin Bad Humor Bon Affect The Book-piece The Comma Story Damned Dirty Ape Deader’n a Taco The Death-trap Story Definitions Deserving Neither The Dinner Story Do Not Rank My Choice Driving, Miss Crazy The Egg Story Evaluating the Seventies {an essay on the nature of power, whose title contains a naughty word} Hah: bum-hug Have a Cuppa Tea The Glizfickable Meejee The Hemp Story A Horrid Expression “I Can Hum This Tune Forever” I Got Nothin’ iiii I’m Too Foot-tall in anticipation…why I willnae charge money for my books in anticipation…why my macintosh is named Athsmoantarte The Infamous List I Quant Get Enough It’s My Party, and I’ll Scream If I Want To The Eighty-ninth Iteration of the Keyhole Piece The Many Faces of Minnie Sosa Merry Calendar {an essay on two pieces of music, whose title is a naughty word} My Father’s Obituary My Fortieth Birthday My Hometown Is a Hospital Never Have You Ever Not Angry, Mad On Both Your Houses Other^kin (Please^Don’t Specify) Other (Please Specify) Out-takes A Partial List of Things I Won’t Do Piece on My Cat Poets Do It with Rhythm Portrait in Blue #53 Reality Bytes The Rights Story Shh A Short Digression on the Meaning of the Word “Art” Sleepy’s Third Law Sleepy's Laws Some Things Everybody But I Get Wrong Superior Creatures A Super-short Digression on the Meaning of the Word “Poem” Things To Do with a Million Dollars Try, or choose not to try Turtles All the Way Round (the essay) We Breed Like Rabbits When Einstein Created the Fish, He Was Only Joking