John Long is an eclectic personality who is very serious about his worldview, yet also loves to crack jokes. He has been a software engineer who still remembers punch cards (if you aren't old enough to know what those are, just remember that it was a favorite of many cave men). His four children have so far survived his parenting skills, and none of them have run away to the Foreign Legion. When John isn't busy watching University of Tennessee football, he's dreaming up new business ideas (like the wild monkey bathroom cleaning service).